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From Borowitz Report:


Promises To Resolve Matter ‘Qwickly’

Contributing a sour note to an otherwise powerful market rally, Qwest
Communications announced today that in addition to accounting errors it
had discovered “major spelling errors in our financial statements for the
last three qwarters.”

A spokesman for Qwest said that the telecom giant hoped to resolve the
spelling issues “qwickly.”

Stock in Quest plummeted on the news of the company’s spelling problems,
with investors fearing that the company may have other unpleasant spelling
news in the offing.

“Frankly, the revelation that ‘Qwest’ should be spelled with a ‘u’ instead
of a ‘w’ is the last thing this stock needed,” said securities analyst
Zach Brannigan of Credit Suisse First Boston. “I’m seeing a lot of
movement out of Qwest and into Qualcomm, a company that doesn’t appear to
have any spelling problems.”

At the White House, President Bush made a characteristically stern
statement about the misspellings at Qwest: “The top executives at Quest
should answer some tough qwestions, or they should be forced to qwit.”

Democratic strategists said that the Qwest revelations put Mr. Bush in a
difficult situation, since spelling has never been his strong suit.

But Republican insiders downplayed the potential damage that a burgeoning
corporate spelling scandal might have on the President’s approval ratings.

“Sure, President Bush is no spelling champ,” one G.O.P. operative said.
“But he’s no Dan Qwayle, either.”

Posted: 2002-07-30 17:01:43

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